Pray, no more.

I can no longer claim the title of Christian.

I believe in God – and even in Jesus Christ. I can’t, however, bring myself to believe that God is free of humanistic ego – and that he’s all loving. Neither my biblical knowledge nor my life experiences can support an all loving, humane, serving God.

Further, heaven doesn’t appeal to me - freedom and heaven aren’t synonymous. I don’t want to live forever singing praises and reconfirming how evil the world of old was. I don’t want my range of emotion to simply be a placid happiness… it seems like the intention is to dull us as opposed to enliven us. I don’t care about dying or ceasing, as long as I know I’ve led a meaningful life.

This leaves me jaded.

I’m without a higher power to pray to, without an ultimate future to look forward to. I can’t bring my vision of heaven to this world – beyond changing the physical circumstances of people it would require a deeper change of ethos. It would require people to be altruistic, caring. This is a change that we can’t bring about; not en masse.

My vision of heaven can only exist inside a small community, a small group. But I’ve never been happy with this thought – I want to have the power and ability to help everyone who asks for it.

I’ve vowed to become the best I’m capable of. So I can bring my vision of heaven to others.

When Judgment comes, I will not kneel. I will stand and account for my actions. I care not for Satan or for God. I won’t place my future in the hands of a greater power. It’s my future – and I claim it.